Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed