triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
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“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Nice try, NASA
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
“you recording!?”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.