Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
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Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator