“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
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I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏