The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
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Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.