SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

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The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.


Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.


[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.


I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.


I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.


My support group can outdrink your support group.


Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”


Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.