@OllyiConic

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

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@XplodingUnicorn

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

@TheCatWhisprer

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

@ShesARealGenius

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

@SondraDeeMe

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

@anerdonfire2

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

@ruslg1

My support group can outdrink your support group.

@Mardigroan

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

@jacanamommy

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.