Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
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Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.