I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
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Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.