Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
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Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
True
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.