I remember when yoga was called Twister.
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Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming