[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
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My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale