[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
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*checks Timeline*…
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
saw this in a dream
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.