Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Generation gap…
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men