Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
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As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha