[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday