I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.