Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.