Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
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We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Lol.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?