*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
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DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.