*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
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Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
December birthdays be like…
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
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