*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
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Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.