listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
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I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
#MeanwhileinCanada
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t