My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
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8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.