My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
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DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Wake me when AI does housework
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”