I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
You Might Also Like
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.