Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
You Might Also Like
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”