whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
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Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
This meal prepping shit easy
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[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
For the orator and chef in all of us
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[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”