For the orator and chef in all of us
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If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Saturday
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees