I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
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*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”