Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
⛄️
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.