Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
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As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I’m already scared
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Not muting your mic is the new reply all