The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
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In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
This was a bad idea all around
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
A small tragedy.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.