The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
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i now pronounce you bounced.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children