maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
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Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.