Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
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Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.