Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
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I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Yup….perfect score!
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!