Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
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5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.