If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
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One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
is this meant to deter me
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Spa day..😅
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.