I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
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[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
same vibe as tangled headphones
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.