(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
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Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
When they try to steal your moment.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE