[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
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[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
A short story of betrayal:
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.