Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
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ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,