Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

The Punning Dead.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.