@OllyiConic

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

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@PinkCamoTO

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

@simoncholland

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

@SinfulShelly

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

@skittle624

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

@rockymomax

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

@TheAlexNevil

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

@Tmoney68

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

@Brampersandon_

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?