I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
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I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
What made this morning鈥檚 trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don鈥檛 actually own a cat.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Interviewer: Let鈥檚 start with a simple question; what鈥檚 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You鈥檙e hired!
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
馃槵
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
There鈥檚 nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I鈥檓 not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don鈥檛.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM