superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
You Might Also Like
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
nobody’s gonna understand
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
When he asks for feet pics
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I can’t deal with men any longer
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig