mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
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[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Batman v Dracula
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.