You take the oxy out of oxymoron
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[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote