I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
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My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side