Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
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**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
dutch so unserious
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats