Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
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I just stopped by to water my horse.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Feels like the fourth month in January
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.