you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen