Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
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Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
lmao
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby